EXPERIENCE #79: HAVING A LATE NIGHT, OVER DUE HONEST CHAT WITH MY STEP MOTHER

No detailed analysis of this one really I’m afraid.

Basically something was discussed that should have been discussed probably about sixteen years ago.

What was said is now definitely off her chest and I am one conversation closer to understanding the tangled web of confusion that shrouds my families past.

EXPERIENCE #78: REAWAKENING MY CROSS STITCH CAPABILITIES TO CREATE THE BEST BRITHDAY PRESENT EVER

I'm writing this before I've even finished the present I am making for my sister for two reasons.

Firstly shes a hard working woman with a busy bar to run and has far better things to be doing than reading this old guff.

Secondly she's horrendously illiterate and I believe that if I use complex enough word sequences she may not realize what I'm actually up to here.

Long ago back in year three I belonged to the most precious of all the school clubs, the cross stitch club. I used to love going, we would meet and stitch away to our hearts content. I vividly recall having a true knack for farmyard animals in particular baby chicks.

Anyway mainly because of the fear that people may believe me to be of the homosexual variety I left that club (and the choir, and the maypole dancing club, and the orchestra come to think of it...hmm) and started rugby, RUGBY!

Anyway whilst fishing around for ideas I came across some cross stitch work for sale. The whole thing was a 20cm by 20cm absolute work of art and I knew it was what I needed to get her. It was forty flipping pounds though and so I'm sorry to say I decided to swipe the idea and do it myself.

I peddled down the the local tapestry store and sought advice from the lady on how to go about this. She aided me in needle types and threads that complemented one another, gosh how it took me back to those lunchtimes from long ago, sewing away with not one single care in the world.

Right , so I got home and started straight away and I tell you there is nothing quite like reliving an old experience, what a rush.

Granted its going to take a while but I'm glad I have taken up this hobbiy once more.

EXPERIENCE #77: TAKING STEPS TOWARD BECOMING A REAL LIFE BARMAN

When it comes to barman skills I’m far from being competent.

When ever a customer asks what a particular wine is like I pretty much always say something like “it has a unique and subtle fruitiness to it” and pray they leave it at that. Luckily it seems to do the trick and more often than not I’m asked to come back with three bottles of whatever it is I've convinced them to get, cunning.

Today though I was asked to make a martini cocktail. I was left quite literally in the foetal position at the customers feet all over the prospect of having to go behind the bar to concoct something I truly had no idea how to make.

Anyway my beefy old boss Alistair came to my rescue, took me under is wing and showed me how it was done.

Gin + Martini + Cointreau + ice + silly little umbrella with a green olive on the end = Martini cocktail.

So now I know forever, yes.

AHEM, YEH...SO...ER SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND MUCH LATELY.

Many of you have shared your jumbled up feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment with me concerning the fact that I haven't updated this thing in um wow, (the wow is due to fact I've only just checked myself`) eleven days.

It started with a legitimate excuse, my computer had a shit fit that spanned three days total, but then I let everything get on top of me and lethargy kicked in and took over this whole shindig I'm afraid.

Now I don't want anyone to think I haven't been doing new experiences, I have and I think in all honesty I have missed two if not three of the days.

I'm not proud of what I've done, no sir, but I feel as if in the past few days I may have redeemed myself. You see I've been away, yes I've been poking around various new and peculiar parts of the country in the hope of picking up a whole stack of new experiences to make up for my total lack of effort.

So whaddya say can we just start where we left off, we were having fun right?

Ok? Ok. x

EXPERIENCE #76: LETTING A WHOLE BUNCH OF STICK INSECTS CRAWL UP ON ME

When I say a whole bunch I actually mean seven in total. One, two, three, four five, six, seven, seven stick insects up on me.

At the start of this whole hundred day drama I probably wouldn't have allowed for such an experience to ever take place. However the opportunity arose and so I pounced in eagerness. It's definitely one to tell the grand kids and secretly I've always wanted to be able to say "whats that seven sticks insects at one time, oh yes I've done such a thing".

And now I can, yay for me.

EXPERIENCE #75: TAKING MY LADY BOSS TO A GRIMY NIGHTCLUB

This one I want to delicately tip-toe around mainly because I'm really not sure who could end up reading this and I quite like my job thank you very much.

The experience is a sort of carry on from the previous one as they both occurred in the same time period just this one was the other side of twelve o'clock.

I suppose I need to admit that when in my last experience I said that I had two goals that evening, I er well actually had three.

The third was to also have a slow dance with my boss Deb's who is a very graceful character and has perhaps just begun to sneak past the middle aged mark; only just mind you. The third goal was added after a few drinks when I was feeling a little more confident.

I mentioned it to a friend I was there with who very kindly blurbed it Deb's who then in turn clutched hold of my wrist and dragged me onto the dance floor. I ended up being in an embrace that was far too intimate for someone who lacks the skills of a true slow dancer. Deb's did kindly assure me I was in control and that just need to follow the beat. She told me when I was going too fast and when she wanted it to change a little, I reminded her how utter nervous/ mortified I was about the whole thing but she just held me and made it better.

Ahem, so to after the reception we decided to take her to a nightclub, well not just a nightclub but the one that used to be my old stomping grounds when I was a teenybopper. Once inside we got her to the center spot on the dance floor which by the way was swamped with people that I can quiet clearly recall having seen in nappies at some point in the not so distant past.

I taught the old girl my finest dance moves and kept her tanked up on vino or whatever it was she was guzzling.

It was a fun but very peculiar night and all seemed as if about five different evening based scenarios had been whisked up together to create something beautifully bizarre.

I was quite sure that after my own rather raunchy dance move rendition of Beyonce's 'All the Single Ladies' I would have been out of employment today, thankfully I wasn't although there were few titters in the kitchen.

This dedication is for Deb's thank you for a night I probably am going to really struggle to forget.

EXPERIENCE #74: ATTENDING AN IRISH LESBIAN WEDDING RECEPTION IN A PRISON

Just so you know I enjoyed writing that title a great deal.

Yes, I'm friends with a Irish lesbian who goes by the name of Mary and today she just so happened to get married, huzzah!

After work a whole gaggle of us headed down to the reception that was being held in a renovated prison, cool huh?

I'm not going to lie I did have my fingers crossed that there would be more than one transvestite there and perhaps a podgy, drunkard of priest in a see-through pvc tux of some sort, in many ways this was my main reason for going.

Annoyingly there wasn't although I suppose not that surprisingly there was a fine assortment of butch lesbians to browse over which was kind of like a runners up prize I guess.

I set out with two goals in mind to make this experience truely countable; number one was to have a dance with the bride er groom er bride...Mary and the second was to find out the best man and brides maid situation when it came to lesbian weddings.

I achieved both actually and got to have a lovely slow dance with Mary, it was truly blissful and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Oh and just so you know lesbians don't need best mans or brides maids, they're above that apparently and to be honest I'm totally down with that way to shit all over the rules of tradition ladies!

Mary's wife looked absolutely fabulous in her momofied version of a tux suit. Her spiky white hair suited her burlesquey white suit smashingly and the itsy skewiff  top hat was the cherry on top for me; for that you get Dans five star rating well done to you Sir.

Honestly I'm truly happy for them and want to thank them for allowing to be part of their wonderous day. Dedication? Yes I think so.

EXPERIENCE #73: GOING TO A WINE-TASTE-ATHON EXTRAVAGANZA!

When I'm hunting for a suitable wine to purchase I'm a total sucker for the classic three for ten pound offer not because I find them pleasing to the pallet but because they are cheap and I'm a bit of a skank.

However, we have a rather fine selection of wines at the restaurant I work in and they're all locally sourced from the Camel Valley Vineyard just down the road; this is the proper stuff.

So when myself and my fellow employee Liddi came to discussing our fine wine selection and how we really didn't know much about it we decided that it would be a good idea to go down to the vineyard to experience our first ever day out wine tasting .

We agreed that such an event would undoubtably draw in the upper class toffs and tarts from the surrounding area as well as the the posh wineheads down on their Easter holidays who are looking for quick yet fabulous fix.

It was therefore decided we would decorate ourselves in our most exquisite ensembles and take on alter egos. I can't remember the names that we went for exactly (murky memory probably caused by the wine intake) but I'm sure that one sounded something like hyacinth (the bulbous plant of the lily family, just so you know) and the other like some sort of pedigree dog breed, I dunno.

Anyway, the tour was actually quite interesting and I learn't some cracking new facts. For example, interesting fact, did you know that Champagne is actually called that because of where it is from not just how it is made?! Also red wine gets its distinct colour from the skins and if they're left out you just get white wine, smart eh?

After the tour we got to sit down and sniff and slosh all the wines that the vineyard made. In all honesty I have never tasted such delicious tasting wines in my life, they had very distinct flavors and aromas. Yes, quite.

They went through the tasting quite quickly and although they were only tiddly glasses having to quickly guzzle them down at such a pace accumulated to chugging a big ol' glass of wine, needless to say I was a tiny bit tipsy.

All in all the tasting tour was a right old laugh and I want to thank Liddi a lot for coming along with me. Dedication pour toi mon amour.

p.s look how thin this tractor is!

EXPERIENCE #72: PUTTING SOME MONEY DOWN ON A LOTTERY TICKET

I'm not sure whether anyone else will vouch for this but I'm pretty sure that the lottery used to be a pretty big Saturday evening event during the 90's?

Well it was in my family at least and I can vividly remember the fact that after Gladiators and Blind Date we'd have to quickly turn over to the BBC to check the numbers and watch last weeks 'winners story'. Anyone remember this?

Anyway I suppose when I got to the age where I could purchase my own tickets I'd sort of lost the enthusiasm for the lottery that I had as a child.

Today though I was feeling super lucky and popped into the newsagents to myself my first ever very own ticket.

Well, haven't things gone and gotten horrendously complicated in the world of the National Lottery!? There were about a dozen mini little lottery themed games that I could play including something called the 'Thunderball' which I must admit does actually sound quite fun.

I had to get the shaky old lady behind the register to help me out in choosing the ticket that I remembered so fondly from back in the day (jeez I'm old), she kindly went through the rules with me also.

After a few test runs I had my six lucky numbers marked off and with my ticket in hand I left the store still feeling a little confused as to what had just happened.

Now I just have to wait until tomorrow evening when the numbers are called to hopefully win the rollover jackpot of 17 million!

EXPERIENCE #71: REGISTERING TO VOTE

Like many other human beings I have my very own assortment of views and opinions about a whole bunch of different things. Yes, fine, well done me but the problem is that when applying them to all more political based discussions I turn into a total spack.

To get around this big ass fail of mine if there has ever been anything that I have found myself grumbling about i.e new coal power stations or whopping great supermarkets threatening to ruin my town, I have just gone and joined up to an NGO of some sort and helped in whatever way I can to prevent whatever it is I don't like from happening.

That doesn't mean that many a time I haven't sat at a meeting and not understood a bloomin' thing that's being said but at least I'm there helping in my own special way.

Now as for voting, that's something that has always swooshed wayyy over my head. Last time I had the chance to vote I was a tiddly little eighteen year old who was more concerned with drinking vodka and cherryade down park, in fact I am pretty sure I was too intoxicated to vote that day...terrible I know.

This time however, at the respectable age of twenty-three I decided to register to vote for the upcoming elections.

To aid me along the political path I harnessed the incredible power of the magnificent Vote Match Computer that my wonderful friend Melissa told me all about. Basically it asks you a whole load of questions and you have to tell it whether you agree or disagree and it matches you to your perfect party.

Anyway I did it and the results were incredibly close and still incredibly meaningless to me.

Turns out I'm a Labour lad (who'd of guessed?) although the Green Party and IKIP weren't far behind.

Thank you for you're help Vote Match Computer but I think I've come to my own decision, please don't be sad.

Mel, your very first solo dedication, see you on May 6th x

Oh and here you go kids have a play for yourself.

EXPERIENCE #70: PUTTING MYSELF IN PERHAPS THE MOST DEGRADING POSITION OF MY LIFE EVER...LITERALLY

The very idea of getting a back, sack and crack wax is something that I think every young man dabbles with at some point.

We live in extremely open minded times and there is absolutely nothing wrong with removing ones hair from ones pubic region thank you very much.

Whilst getting mildly tanked up on cider down on the harbor side yesterday, it was decided that my experience for today would be to get a homemade version of this delicate and intricate beauty practice done.

That evening we picked up some hair removal cream and wax strips on the way home, I then headed out on an evening of more drinking.

Consequently, I awoke feeling like death with thoughts of waxing my jangly bits way, way, waaay at the back of my mind amongst all the hurt, regret and nausea.

However, when I realized I had like an hour before I caught the coach home I was struck with the realization that it was now or never; when asked to make my choice I foolishly went with the first option.

We did decide however that perhaps the bum would be enough for one session and that if I wanted to continue further afield I could take some strips home with me in a goody bag and do it in my own time.

Okay, so I want to treat the description of this new experience with as much politeness and decency that is actually possible when describing the removal of ass hair, however readers I think you need to be aware that this is never in a million years going to be nice discussion and if you're easily offended or quick to become nauseous then stop reading now.

Ahem, it really didn't hurt as much I had imagined it ever would. In all honesty the levels of violation for both my friends, my brother and myself during the whole experience were probably the worst part of it all.

The hair removal cream made the whole affair far more slippy and its colour, texture and aroma were extremely off putting. The budget wax strips hardly worked at all either which was a little frustrating for both waxer and waxee (sorry Ter).

Regardless, we got through it and to be honest I think that it's pulled us closer together. I suppose in many ways it's like being a birthing partner, just, well the opposite way round...hmm.

Anyway in many ways I am pleased with the end result. It all feels a little different down there and I'm concerned about the possibility of chafing at a later date but for now I'm content in knowing I'm hair free and looking great!

In hindsight I can now see that probably my worst decisions are made whilst drunk and that I should perhaps remember that once sober I can still say no. I'm also becoming suspicious of the fact that all experiences involving Teri involve defacing my body in some shape or form.

I do owe her a big thank you though and a total dedication to her and Mel (on video camera) and Jay (on photo camera), I'm here if you ever want the favor returned. x

EXPERIENCE #69: TRAVELLING FIRST CLASS TO ATTEND A RED CARPET EVENT AND CHAMPAGNE RECEPTION

There is a lot of uncertainty surrounding this experience. I'm stand my ground in insisting that I have never travelled first class on a train before, however my brother insists that I have and can even recall the price and day that it occurred...drama!

I would like to highlight the fact that I keep all of my train tickets in the plastic wallet my railcard is in and there was no sign of the so called suspected golden first class ticket he was jabbering on about.

Regardless what I've attempted to do here is almost skew the experience away from being solely about the rather splendid first class trip I took up to Bristol today (although that's what it's secretly about) and am focusing a little (hardly at all actually) on all the new things I experienced at the party I went to in the evening.

So somehow I managed to wangle myself a ticket aboard the first class coach whilst planning for my trip to Bristol today.

After about an hour of being the only bugger in the coach I sort of guess that perhaps I was on a ghost train of some sort and that's the actual reason I had got such a reasonable deal on traveling like royalty.

Nah uh, I got up to use the loo and quite literally collided with a wall of squished people in behind the slidey door doo dahs.

Turns out that the whole train was fully packed bar the first class carriage, poor sods. So I gave up on my trip to the toilet, returned to my seat and crossed my legs tightly.

Next thing I know the tannoy comes on and the unlucky dear on refreshment trolley duty is announcing that due to the large amount of people and luggage sprawled out through the lower ranking carriages she is unable to do the rounds and that if anyone's thirsty to come to her. Pretty much as soon as she signs off the first class conductor chappy came and asked me if I would like my very own complementary coffee.

I know, I know if I were any sort of morally obliging human being I should of taken my warm brew back to the next carriage along and shared it amongst the people there but to be fair I rarely get a treat like this and I am usually the silly mug smushed against the toilet door sort of being held up by others in the crowd; I'm sorry to say I kicked back and enjoyed my free coffee in the sanctity of first class.

Anyway being a bit of a lover from traveling by train my very first experience traveling first class was a nice treat however it's probably not something I would do again I think the people in there were just a little too stiff for my liking.

Oh and I went to a party and entered on a red carpet and was welcomed with a glass of champagne; that's a first too don't you know?

Dedicated to my brother Jay. x

EXPERIENCE #68: TAKING A TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE THROUGH THE POWER OF GOOGLE WORLD

This is really a bit of an accidental new experience and one that you probably won't appreciate unless you're me.

It all started this afternoon when I got all lost in my very own newly downloaded Google World application. Whilst pecking at a cheese toastie and slurping down a mug of tepid tea I virtually pootled round some of my favourite places from the past.

Firstly I headed down to Mas de la Solane (or Solane Farm for you lower beings) where I wasted away my days last summer. It was a little bizarre considering all the work that I had been doing on the land was nowhere to be seen; I sort of felt like Marty McFly.

I next went to my old house out in Helland which took me bloody ages to find. The house used to belong to one of the guys from the 80's band Bucks Fizz (yeh thought i would just drop that in) and was where I spent much of my childhood roaming around the grounds pretending to be a raptor.

I visited my old hall's building from university which is perhaps even more of a skank hole now...god I miss that place.

Oh, oh, oh and I went over my old paper round route too.

I guess it sort of compares to looking through old photo's just perhaps a bit lamer.

Yeh not a very good experience really, sorry folks.

EXPERIENCE #67: GOING TO MY LOCAL BINGO NIGHT

This has been on the cards for the past few weeks now but has been something that I have failed to slot in between all my work hours...sigh.

Well luckily enough I had this evening free from work and so my sister, my beautiful baby niece and I headed down to the town hall for a game or seven.

My god, I would never have ever guessed that bingo had such a following in my piddly little town, quite literally half of it's population must have been there, well that's perhaps a slight over exaggeration but there were a lot there. I took my seat next to a lovely little old lady who helped me grasp the basics of the game.

That's right chortle away but you don't know what it's like, there is so much more to it than even I expected what with all their fiddly little bonus games and confusing rules surrounding how to win first second and full house rounds. See, ha!

Anyway, there were some absolutely fabulous prizes to be won and so I became slightly obssessed with an overwhelming need to win something, anything.

Sadly I didn't, although I do believe that I may have found my calling in life...professional bingo player, what can I say it's a great game.

Highlight of the evening you ask? Probably half way through when some old dear clenched hold of the mic and performed what I am told is her fornightly sing song treat for the crowd.

After a three hour bingofest I can safely say that that was perhaps one of the best evening out in Wadebridge ever. Yes I will be attending next weeks sesh and yes I will also be winning something then too, wish me luck people and come along if you can.

Thanks for coming Frankie and I hope Illy loved her first dip into the world of bingo. For you baby x

EXPERIENCE #66: ACHIEVING A BUCKET LOAD OF NEW EXPERIENCES IN THE SEARCH FOR JUST ONE GOOD ONE

Sometimes I wake up with a fuzzy head and no real plans for the day.

Obviously there's work and all the other mundane bits and bobs that I have to do everyday but I'm talking about extra curricular activities that usually give me something to garble on about here.

Today was one of those days which was a bit annoying really considering I was feeling rather motivated to get a cracking new experience under my belt.

Consequently I did one better and bagged myself about four new experiences. Yes I know I could be accused of getting far too ahead of myself and that one a day means just one a day but I know all this (it is my blog you know?) and so this still counts as just one individual experience.

So I suppose I should tell you what I did, well please keep in mind before you judge the fact that they all equate to one definitely does excuse the fact that some are an itsy bit um rubbish.

Firstly I managed to convince my legs to cycle non stop the entire three mile up hill cycle to work this evening.

Seriously this is quite a feat and something that I have never achieved before, I always usually have to stop at two particularly steep spots but this evening somehow I managed without stopping even once.

If you aren't impressed just look at map I've added (if you're actually interested then give it a bit to load and follow the blue line), it's a bloody trek and I'd like to see you do the whole thing balanced on two wheels!



View Larger Map

Secondly, I tried the fanciable French dessert, Parfait.

I only knew about parfait from the movie Shrek and to be honest the scene in which it is discussed still gets me quite excitable.

If you didn't know Parfait actually means perfect in French and thats exactly what it is. I would describe the taste as somewhere between ice cream and cheese cake just minus the cheesyness.

The restaurant chef described it as being like baked ice cream as in you cook it then freeze it or something.

Thirdly, I watched my first ever Alfred Hitchcock movie once I got home from work, Marnie (1964).

It was a bit of psycho-drama flick and was something about a thieving little lady who then gets forced into a messy marriage she doesn't really want to be in. Her husband decides that she needs to be analyzed the heck out of to find out why she doesn't like the touch of a man (two guesses) and this all luckily saves her...wow!

Yeh it was okay. I'm sorry I'm just really not good at reviews, a film either grabs me or it doesn't and to be honest I really wish I had held out for The Birds or something a little less, well a little less about some whiny girl with an awful name like Marnie.

Lastly, for the first time in the history of my existence I watched an episode of the BBC series, Doctor Who.

I never really warmed to that Tennant chap, he reminded me of a deranged pigeon and every time I saw him my face would screw up and the channel would be changed.

However, it was the start of the brand spanking new series and, well the new doctor is hot.

So I watched it and was actually quite impressed with what the old busy bodies at the beeb have been doing with our tax money, yes I was entertained well done.

Plus how good is the new docs hair?!

There you go four new ones *grin*.

EXPERIENCE #65: CELEBRATING FEASTER WITH COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF COFFEE

I held off from my caffeine gorgefest until today so that I could get a decent cuppa joe at my old reliable regular coffee stop.

My friend Jack who works at this particular place made me up what is known as a flat white.

Now, I've been out of the barista circuit for over half a year now and although I wasn't half bad back in the day I had never made or tasted a flat white.

It's basically a shorter intenser version of your typical latte. I sort of liked the idea of this considering I enjoy the smoothness of a latte but yearn for the rich hit of a strong black coffee.

Ahem, yes so I thoroughly enjoyed the drink (thanks Jack) and reveled in all the effects that caffeine has on a person i.e the brewing coffee poo, manic buzz and rumbly gut churns...bliss.

I also picked myself up a big old coffee and walnut cake which I guzzled down pretty much in one single sitting.

After reflecting on the day I sort of have come to a decision though, that maybe coffee isn't for me anymore.

Interesting fact, did you know that if you are a regular coffee drinker your brain becomes dependent on that hit to just function at a normal level, crazy isn't it?!

I just remember how awful I felt the week after going cold turkey and I'm finding the whole thing a little ridiculous to be honest.

So maybe every now and then I will have a brew or two just for funzies, but in the long run I think I'm done with the mud.

EXPERIENCE #64: RE-ENTERING THE STRANGE AND SCARY WORLD OF UNDERWEAR

Now I don't care how lame you consider this new experience to but it's one that I'm particularly proud of.

As more regular visitors to my blog site may recall way, way waaaaaaaaay back on experience #23 I gave up coffee and underwear for lent.

Now for the past forty days and forty nights i have quietly suffered through the chafing, embarrassing changing room moments at work and the butt crack errr cracks every time I have knelt down or bent over (smirk).

Today being the day that Jesus rose again blahdeeblah I got up and slid on into a nice secure and supportive pair of boxer briefs.

You know what, the only word I can think of to use to sum up what was meant to be probably the most momentous day of this year so far for me is STRANGLED.

I fear that I may have reverted to a more primitive version of my former self, one that has no need for under garments.

I sort of feel like a dressed up dog now...whimper.

EXPERIENCE #63: BEING ASSIGNED TO A REAL, LEGIT SECRET MISSON

Can't say when, where, what, why or how for now at least....

EXPERIENCE #62: GETTING THE OL' YEO BROTHERHOOD BACK UP AND RUNNING

It's been pretty much eight years to the day that due to certain circumstances the relationship between me, my brother and our half siblings was torn apart and left in tatters; today though we sorted that all out.

Jay and I took a trip to their house today to make amends for the eight years of absence and we had a good, fun time.

Considering that all my brothers (minus Taylor) are now a lot bigger and bulkier than I am, I was sadly the sole victim of all the beatings and mistreatment throughout the evening.

Nothing wrong with a bit of brotherly horse play I hear you say, yes, well not when you're the oldest brother, you really can't imagine what this has done for my sense of masculinity and pride...sigh.

Anyway as I was saying it was a good, fun time and we just did all the same old junk that we used to which is always nice.