EXPERIENCE #53: TAKING A TRIP TO SEE AN EYE SPECIALIST

Supposedly I have a lazy eye, well to be honest there is no supposing about it I do.

It's nothing to worry about though and no its not an obvious problem so please stop your laughing and cruel taunts now.

It's something I have had for yonks but it only really becomes apparent when I am tired or travelling in cars for some reason.

Anyway, whilst I was unemployed and bored out of my brains this January just gone, I went on a bit of a free medical check splurge and visited the optician just to check that the googlies were running at full steam.

Turns out they weren't and the old lazy eye was dragging a little. Mr Sanders (my optician) referred me to my GP who he thought should take another look at them. My GP,  had a little panic attack once he checked me over and warned me that surgery was definitely on the cards.

He then told me to go to the hospital which is what happened today. I went with visuals of spliced up eye balls milling around my brain and so to be honest was a little shaky.

I had never been to see someone with such a keen interest in eyes that they decided to specialize in it but in lots of ways I am now glad that I did.

She assured me that if anything my lazy eye is improving (hi five little buddy) and that my optician must have been on crack or meth or something the morning he saw me because there was nothing wrong with the old peepers.

So there you go if anything this experience has enforced my ever growing trust in the countries top notch medical men, god bless you boys x

EXPERIENCE #52: MASTERING THE ACQUIRED SKILL OF STONE SKIPPING

Yes this is one of those "I was such a retarded child that I never got the hang of it" new experiences, secretly though these are actually my favorite kind.

It all started when Sam and I went for a bicycle ride today, we stopped off at quarry so that I could show him the super cool hidden pool they had turned the excavation site into.

It was there that we got to talking about stone skipping and how neither of our fathers had managed to successfully teach us to do it it when we were little.

We agreed for there sake if not our own we would not leave that pool until we had both managed at least four if not more skims each.

Being the amateurs that we were we figured that smaller, flatter and rounder rocks were best best suited for this type of thing.

Wrong, the small rocks simply slapped the water and sank and the best we could do was two bounces before they floundered.

We figured (well mostly Sam) that maybe the bigger ones would work better which they actually did! I then applied some of my stored scientific knowledge and concluded that the larger the surface area the better the bounce back is bound to be.

And that was that, nothing could stop us then. Sam pulled off probably the highest scoring stone skim ever with a triple bounce followed by a stone split that he finished with three more bounces from both halves, impressive I know!

I managed about eight skims which I was totally thrilled with and Sam caught beautifully on camera.

We're going to enter the annual stone skimming tournament this coming summer so keep an eye out for us (just so you know we're the devilishly handsome pair).

EXPERIENCE #51: SPENDING A SATURDAY MORNING DOING EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO DO

Last year every Saturday morning for me entailed serving an endless trail of posh toff twats coffee until my fingers bled and they had all buggered off home.

I used to envy the fact that they could and would swan in and read the Saturday paper page to page (including supplements and the weekend magazines) and literally sit there and get tanked up on caffeine and cake.

So when today I looked at my Saturday schedule to discover that my day was free I gleefully trundled on down to the newsagents, picked up the Guardian and snuck away to the nearest coffee shop to fulfill a little dream of mine.

For the next six hours I sat, I read, I ate and I drank, that's it and you know what, it was spectacular!

I know that the fact I had all the newspaper sheets spread over the table irritated the hell out of the waiter (mainly because I used to be that waiter) but I really didn't give a hoot, it was my day to be that bloke who people in the coffee trade envy and detest and to be fair I think I did a really good job of it.

It is quite literally something I could do each and every Saturday and is one new experience I would like to try and hang on to.

EXPERIENCE #50: HAVING TEA WITH AN MP

Today I was invited to have tea with my local MP Mr Dan Rodgerson.

I'd heard many-a-thing about this chappy before but had never encountered him and so when the activist group I'm part of told me that we were meeting with him to chat business over tea and biccies I decided to go along.

He was a rather stout looking fellow with beady little eyes and puffy cheeks, he actually reminded me a little too much of a guinea pig which ended up distracting my thoughts the entire way through the discussion (you know thoughts about a secret rodent race working through local political systems in a bid to take over the world blah blah blah....dagnabbit!).

Anyway as per usual I shied away from the talking but listened intently and nodded my head from time to time which by the way I'm not sure how long I can just keep doing.

It was interesting watching his face as he was asked rather complicated questions but he presented him self well and really empathized with the cause.

All in all he seemed like a lovely chap and really was a fine candidate as my first ever meeting with a politician; he even said cheerio to me when I left at the end... I think I freakin love you Dan Rodgerson!

EXPERIENCE #49: MADE A MICROWAVEABLE CAKE

So this could very well be one of the nastiest and dirtiest things that I have ever been asked to make in a kitchen.

Don't get me wrong I love to bake but to merge a classic sponge pudding recipe with the unyielding powers of modern microwaving technology just seems down right immoral to me.

I struggle with technology at the best of times (unless it involves browsing pornography or writing on here) and so when at nursery today I was handed the recipe sheet for microwaveable sponges I nearly wretched in anger, fear and disgust.

Nonetheless I set my personal views on the whole thing aside and made five microwavable puddings. In the end they came out looking like foetus mixed with burnt jam and river pollution...in other words bloody disgusting.

I've always been a firm believer in the idea that nothing cake based should ever take a mere four minutes and thirty seconds to bake even if it is microwaved and today I think I proved that point; the whole affair is simply not natural.

I can quite happily say that never again will I make sponges in a microwave, say what you will but I'm an oven lover at heart and always will be.

EXPERIENCE #48: BEING COOKED BREAKFAST FOR THE FIRST TIME

Obviously this excludes all the times during my childhood that my mother cooked me up fried breakfasts, I'm talking about some one getting up and cooking me breakfast because they wanted to.

It's probably due to the fact that I'm a kitchen hog (and a damn good one) and usually beat everyone else to making breakfast.

This morning though I was woken with the question "poached or scrambled" which in many ways is probably the best way to be roused ever....well perhaps second best

Sam whipped me up the best poached eggs on toast ever which I was able to enjoy after taking my time to get dressed and prepare myself for the day.

It only dawned on me this evening though that this new experience had occurred and although it may not seem that big to many it still makes me feel warm and good inside.

Thanks Sam x

EXPERIENCE #47: BECOMING A STALKER FOR 28 MINTUES

So my sister and her lovely girlfriend brought me back a little mini camera from their recent escapade to the U.S.

Today Sam and I harnessed the true and awesomely great powers of this discreet little gizmo by stalking a lady and taking one photograph of her every minute until the reel of film was up.

The camera has a special setting that allows you to take double the amount of shots by halving the size of the photographs, this means that in total I could have snapped the old dear we stalked a total of 72 times.

Anyway, the lady we chose was one of those mutton passing as lamb types you know the ones, totally past their sell by date but still bleaching, tanning, waxing and dressing like twelve year old's?

So we followed her from shop to shop and looked like total bloody dorks, the shops tended to be tiny and so it was pretty apparent as to what we were doing.

Nonetheless we continued with the challenge until we got to 28 minutes when it all fell to pieces. Our subject left the store and must have made a run for it or something because we couldn't find her anywhere.

We sort of concluded that we must have freaked her out a bit too much and that she had hidden or something. I suppose it would have been better if it had been a more inconspicuous affair and that the lady hadn't immediately realized, it was a rush though and a bit of a chuckle.

I hope that the woman I chose isn't too damaged from this one and that she still feels safe clip-clopping around the streets of Newquay.

This experience is dedicated to Dani and Nina, thanks for such an awesome freakin present! x

Pictures to come for this one...