EXPERIENCE #79: HAVING A LATE NIGHT, OVER DUE HONEST CHAT WITH MY STEP MOTHER

No detailed analysis of this one really I’m afraid.

Basically something was discussed that should have been discussed probably about sixteen years ago.

What was said is now definitely off her chest and I am one conversation closer to understanding the tangled web of confusion that shrouds my families past.

EXPERIENCE #78: REAWAKENING MY CROSS STITCH CAPABILITIES TO CREATE THE BEST BRITHDAY PRESENT EVER

I'm writing this before I've even finished the present I am making for my sister for two reasons.

Firstly shes a hard working woman with a busy bar to run and has far better things to be doing than reading this old guff.

Secondly she's horrendously illiterate and I believe that if I use complex enough word sequences she may not realize what I'm actually up to here.

Long ago back in year three I belonged to the most precious of all the school clubs, the cross stitch club. I used to love going, we would meet and stitch away to our hearts content. I vividly recall having a true knack for farmyard animals in particular baby chicks.

Anyway mainly because of the fear that people may believe me to be of the homosexual variety I left that club (and the choir, and the maypole dancing club, and the orchestra come to think of it...hmm) and started rugby, RUGBY!

Anyway whilst fishing around for ideas I came across some cross stitch work for sale. The whole thing was a 20cm by 20cm absolute work of art and I knew it was what I needed to get her. It was forty flipping pounds though and so I'm sorry to say I decided to swipe the idea and do it myself.

I peddled down the the local tapestry store and sought advice from the lady on how to go about this. She aided me in needle types and threads that complemented one another, gosh how it took me back to those lunchtimes from long ago, sewing away with not one single care in the world.

Right , so I got home and started straight away and I tell you there is nothing quite like reliving an old experience, what a rush.

Granted its going to take a while but I'm glad I have taken up this hobbiy once more.

EXPERIENCE #77: TAKING STEPS TOWARD BECOMING A REAL LIFE BARMAN

When it comes to barman skills I’m far from being competent.

When ever a customer asks what a particular wine is like I pretty much always say something like “it has a unique and subtle fruitiness to it” and pray they leave it at that. Luckily it seems to do the trick and more often than not I’m asked to come back with three bottles of whatever it is I've convinced them to get, cunning.

Today though I was asked to make a martini cocktail. I was left quite literally in the foetal position at the customers feet all over the prospect of having to go behind the bar to concoct something I truly had no idea how to make.

Anyway my beefy old boss Alistair came to my rescue, took me under is wing and showed me how it was done.

Gin + Martini + Cointreau + ice + silly little umbrella with a green olive on the end = Martini cocktail.

So now I know forever, yes.

AHEM, YEH...SO...ER SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND MUCH LATELY.

Many of you have shared your jumbled up feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment with me concerning the fact that I haven't updated this thing in um wow, (the wow is due to fact I've only just checked myself`) eleven days.

It started with a legitimate excuse, my computer had a shit fit that spanned three days total, but then I let everything get on top of me and lethargy kicked in and took over this whole shindig I'm afraid.

Now I don't want anyone to think I haven't been doing new experiences, I have and I think in all honesty I have missed two if not three of the days.

I'm not proud of what I've done, no sir, but I feel as if in the past few days I may have redeemed myself. You see I've been away, yes I've been poking around various new and peculiar parts of the country in the hope of picking up a whole stack of new experiences to make up for my total lack of effort.

So whaddya say can we just start where we left off, we were having fun right?

Ok? Ok. x

EXPERIENCE #76: LETTING A WHOLE BUNCH OF STICK INSECTS CRAWL UP ON ME

When I say a whole bunch I actually mean seven in total. One, two, three, four five, six, seven, seven stick insects up on me.

At the start of this whole hundred day drama I probably wouldn't have allowed for such an experience to ever take place. However the opportunity arose and so I pounced in eagerness. It's definitely one to tell the grand kids and secretly I've always wanted to be able to say "whats that seven sticks insects at one time, oh yes I've done such a thing".

And now I can, yay for me.

EXPERIENCE #75: TAKING MY LADY BOSS TO A GRIMY NIGHTCLUB

This one I want to delicately tip-toe around mainly because I'm really not sure who could end up reading this and I quite like my job thank you very much.

The experience is a sort of carry on from the previous one as they both occurred in the same time period just this one was the other side of twelve o'clock.

I suppose I need to admit that when in my last experience I said that I had two goals that evening, I er well actually had three.

The third was to also have a slow dance with my boss Deb's who is a very graceful character and has perhaps just begun to sneak past the middle aged mark; only just mind you. The third goal was added after a few drinks when I was feeling a little more confident.

I mentioned it to a friend I was there with who very kindly blurbed it Deb's who then in turn clutched hold of my wrist and dragged me onto the dance floor. I ended up being in an embrace that was far too intimate for someone who lacks the skills of a true slow dancer. Deb's did kindly assure me I was in control and that just need to follow the beat. She told me when I was going too fast and when she wanted it to change a little, I reminded her how utter nervous/ mortified I was about the whole thing but she just held me and made it better.

Ahem, so to after the reception we decided to take her to a nightclub, well not just a nightclub but the one that used to be my old stomping grounds when I was a teenybopper. Once inside we got her to the center spot on the dance floor which by the way was swamped with people that I can quiet clearly recall having seen in nappies at some point in the not so distant past.

I taught the old girl my finest dance moves and kept her tanked up on vino or whatever it was she was guzzling.

It was a fun but very peculiar night and all seemed as if about five different evening based scenarios had been whisked up together to create something beautifully bizarre.

I was quite sure that after my own rather raunchy dance move rendition of Beyonce's 'All the Single Ladies' I would have been out of employment today, thankfully I wasn't although there were few titters in the kitchen.

This dedication is for Deb's thank you for a night I probably am going to really struggle to forget.

EXPERIENCE #74: ATTENDING AN IRISH LESBIAN WEDDING RECEPTION IN A PRISON

Just so you know I enjoyed writing that title a great deal.

Yes, I'm friends with a Irish lesbian who goes by the name of Mary and today she just so happened to get married, huzzah!

After work a whole gaggle of us headed down to the reception that was being held in a renovated prison, cool huh?

I'm not going to lie I did have my fingers crossed that there would be more than one transvestite there and perhaps a podgy, drunkard of priest in a see-through pvc tux of some sort, in many ways this was my main reason for going.

Annoyingly there wasn't although I suppose not that surprisingly there was a fine assortment of butch lesbians to browse over which was kind of like a runners up prize I guess.

I set out with two goals in mind to make this experience truely countable; number one was to have a dance with the bride er groom er bride...Mary and the second was to find out the best man and brides maid situation when it came to lesbian weddings.

I achieved both actually and got to have a lovely slow dance with Mary, it was truly blissful and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Oh and just so you know lesbians don't need best mans or brides maids, they're above that apparently and to be honest I'm totally down with that way to shit all over the rules of tradition ladies!

Mary's wife looked absolutely fabulous in her momofied version of a tux suit. Her spiky white hair suited her burlesquey white suit smashingly and the itsy skewiff  top hat was the cherry on top for me; for that you get Dans five star rating well done to you Sir.

Honestly I'm truly happy for them and want to thank them for allowing to be part of their wonderous day. Dedication? Yes I think so.