EXPERIENCE #61: DRINKING SOME PUNCH AT SOME PARTY

Every time I go to a house party I'm always hoping that someone has taken the time to make-up a big ol' bowl of fruity punch so that I can pretend I'm at some teeny bopper high school shindig with my bros and ho's having a right old laugh.

Sadly this has never happened for me and I admit that I have never ever tried punch.

In fact even when I was at a real high school house party in a real American town in America there wasn't any punch...ruined.

Last night though I went to the lovely Hayley Browns birthday bonanza and discovered a huge bowl of pink punch in the fridge.

I was given a cup and some was ladled into it for me, I tried to savor the moment as I slurped it all down.

I found the beverage to be a real pleasure to many of the senses and there was definitely a comfortable ratio between the alcohol content and juicy goodness which is something I really look for in a drink.

Anyway Hayley, happy birthday you old dingbat and consider this dedication your birthday present. Sucker x

EXPERIENCE #60: GETTING AND GIVING A HOMEMADE TATTOO

My brother and his girlfriend Teri (who also happens to be my nearest and dearest friend) cleverly found out a way to tattoo yourself with a small collection of the most common of household items.

A few weeks back they inked each other and ended up with a pretty sharp looking anchor on both of their toes.

Now they're home for the Easter holidays I got the chance the find out all the hows, whats and wheres about the technique and even got to get and give one myself.

So all that is required to make your own tattoo kit is a pencil, a needle (sterilized obviously), some thread, some Indian ink and then some idea of what you'd like to have tattooed on you.

You use the thread to firmly tie the needle to the end of the pencil and the ink, to well ink yourself with duh.

As for designs I went for a sperm whale (classic, I know) just under the old left armpit. Teri designed and drew a cheeky little chappy that we decided to call Spermy.

Obviously the main difference between using a professional gun and a pin tied to a stick is that it hurts a lot more and it takes a lot longer.

After roughly an hour of pain and a tea break too it was all done and looking fine and dandy I'd like to add.

The great thing about Spermy is that as I raise my arm to look at him the my skin stretches and it literally looks as is he's perking up because he is happy to see me, bless!

I then got to pin some pictures onto Jay and Teris toes, yep a crown and a triangle. It was a little nerve racking considering how permanent the whole thing was but I think I did rather well.

They were both pleased with the results anyway which is always a good sign and I am more than happy with little Spermy

So drumroll please, yes Teri this one is dedicated to you (finally) thank you for my new little friend. I love you x

EXPERIENCE #59: SEX WITH NOTHING BUT SOCKS ON

 Yeh really not a nice thing to do. Always been a big no no with me and is even more so now.

EXPERIENCE #58: HAVING A FALCONRY LESSON

This is yet another belated birthday gift from my mum this time.

Today I caught the early morning bus down to my local Birds of Prey Center to spend the morning with a professional falconer, oh and Sam came too.

It all started with a rather morbid discussion about the woes of bird keeping and how the chap was considering suicide if he has another bad season this year (not really sure how serious he was being either).

We started by weighing each bird which is something that needs to be done every morning. I got to wear one of the fancy gloves and prance around adorned with falcons and eagles galore taking each one to the scales and then to their perches.

We met all the resident birds including the smallest (and probably cutest) Kestrel species in the world. We got told all about plumage variations, differing sizes and types of behavior.

Also, interesting fact, did you know that birds beaks grow? Yep they do.

Well when it got to lunchtime we had the joy of helping to cut the shit sacks out of dead one day old chicks and massaging powdered vitamins into their little thawed out fluffy bodies; total delight.

Anyway the best bit came next when we got to take a few of the birds out for some training.

First was Bebe who was a cheeky little barn owl who was so tame that he was more like a little dog than a bird. He'd just come off his training line (a term you falconry amateurs simply couldn't get to grips with easily so I'll skip an explanation) and took a real liking to scuffling around looking for chick legs.

I had a little go trying to get him to fly to my glove to receive a baby chick leg...he wasn't too bad you know?

Second was Weasel a barmy looking goshawk with a bad-ass haunch and loco looking stare. We pretty much did the same with Weasel, he was just a little less dog like than Bebe and more like a flying predator.

Lastly I had to fly a harrier falcon all on my own. His name was Jacob and he had an uncontrollable fear of right hands, being right handed myself I wasn't his favorite person in the world.

I got my own bag of dead chick bits and flew him up and down the flying strip a few times.

It was pretty intense having such a big thing hurtling towards you at speeds unknown, but I think I got the knack of it in the end.

The center also do hunting days where you can go out on a killing spree accompanied by dogs, falcons and ferrets...needless to say I'm extremely excited about such a prospect.

Thankyou for pretty much the most perfect present ever mum, love x

EXPERIENCE #57: SERVING AT A FREEMASON CONVENTION

The local Freemason group for whatever reason like to dine in the restaurant that I am now working in.

Now I'm not claiming to be the big cheese on Freemason related conspiracy theories but I have heard a tale or two about what they're secretly all about and that's why I was particularly excited when I found out this evening that I would be personally dishing out their din-dins.

The main man I was particularly interested in observing was someone called the "Worshipful Master" who was a vegetarian (so we have at least one thing in common) and also the head honcho of the whole group.

I was under strict orders that he was to be served first, cleared first and properly looked after.

As soon as he came in I knew it was him, he was one of those properly bold shiny headed men and he had suspiciously dark, thick eyebrows, in fact he looked a ridiculous amount like "The Hood" from Thunderbirds.

Anyway the whole thing was pretty bog standard minus the chanting, stamping and hand clapping which was a little startling.

Annoyingly the "Worshipful Master" slunk off before I had a chance to ask him his views on the New World Order or the issues surrounding chemtrails...next time I'll have you though.

EXPERIENCE #56: BEFRIENDING A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER DAN YEO'S

Whilst checking up on Facebook I noticed that the dam site was suggesting that I add Jay Yeo (my brother) to my roster of friends.

This confused me greatly considering Jay and I natter on Facebook all the time, it wasn't until I looked harder at the thumbnail photo that I realized that it wasn't my Jay Yeo at all and that this was a Jay Yeo of the Asian variety.

I then remembered that my brother had added this bloke a while back for shits and giggles because they have the same name, hilarious I know.

Anyway I sort of scoffed at the screen and didn't really think much more of it, that was until I staggered home from the pub that night after having perhaps one tipple too many.

Thinking it would be the best thing ever, I searched through all of the Dan Yeo's on the planet (well Facebook at least) and added them with the hope that somehow this would make the world a far grander place.

Turns out that firstly my fellow Dan Yeoians aren't too interested in that idea (I'm totally lacking in responses from those douche bags) and secondly after reviewing my fellow comrades under more sober circumstances we don't really make for much of an impressive assortment (please refer to photographs that show the only two that replied).

EXPERIENCE #55: RECIEVING PROBABLY THE BEST BELATED BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER

I hadn't seen my good friend Kesley for a good while and so when I met up with her for drinks this evening I was pleasantly surprised with the belated birthday gift she gave to me.

It only turned out to be a freakin harmonica which is probably my most sought after instrument ever.

I have a lot of plans with my new little 'howlin harp' and as you can see from the accompanying photograph I've already had a brotherly jam sesh with Jay, it was joyous.

I am set on learning the tune that Jesse plays to Willy in the 1993 classic, Free Willy (smirk).

Anyway thankyou so much Kesley my dear its a treasure I will keep forever. This one is for you x

p.s I've put the song on here so that you guys can gush over it as much I have been the past half hour.